Sunday, 21 November 2010

What then?

My head is spinning. So many directions. So may choices. New chapters or the latest tragedy?

I went to bed last night - it snowed in the small hours. I still have no idea if it was real or a dream. My mind is living out in another place. Eternally spinning......

You hear these decisions come fast & hard; or are thrust upon you or grab you in the night & chill your heart, steel your soul. In truth? I am lost. I don't want to sink back into the mud but I'm too scared? Too hesitant? to climb out. I do not know what to do and I feel cheated. I was expecting an epiphany; angels; at least some dramatic theme tune, but its just me and my thoughts spinning, spinning.

I need certainty, the "yes, you're absolutely right" but life isn't like that. To go now would feel like a thief in the night. I need the neon sign; winking "go now" at me - neon & comforting & certain.

I only have one life..... which way to go?

I learned something else won't necessarily get it all. Oh, you'll get the plate alright, the promise. The cakes all pastel & perfect, sprinkled with the fairy dust of your future. They are delicious & oh so beautiful. Aren't they just perfect & fun? But on closer inspection they come with a price tag. I don't want to live up to an ideal where the fun becomes the proviso.

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