Sunday 21 November 2010

Solace


My one smile.
Brunches may get cancelled; bedtimes get a lot later than expected.
But a lot purer & simpler than anything I've known in a long time.

What then?


My head is spinning. So many directions. So may choices. New chapters or the latest tragedy?


I went to bed last night - it snowed in the small hours. I still have no idea if it was real or a dream. My mind is living out in another place. Eternally spinning......


You hear these decisions come fast & hard; or are thrust upon you or grab you in the night & chill your heart, steel your soul. In truth? I am lost. I don't want to sink back into the mud but I'm too scared? Too hesitant? to climb out. I do not know what to do and I feel cheated. I was expecting an epiphany; angels; at least some dramatic theme tune, but its just me and my thoughts spinning, spinning.


I need certainty, the "yes, you're absolutely right" but life isn't like that. To go now would feel like a thief in the night. I need the neon sign; winking "go now" at me - neon & comforting & certain.


I only have one life..... which way to go?


I learned something else tonight......you won't necessarily get it all. Oh, you'll get the plate alright, the promise. The cakes all pastel & perfect, sprinkled with the fairy dust of your future. They are delicious & oh so beautiful. Aren't they just perfect & fun? But on closer inspection they come with a price tag. I don't want to live up to an ideal where the fun becomes the proviso.

Sharpening.

They say that hard times show you who your friends really are. My friend, no longer: my back no longer guarded. The spite & anger left me reeling: my ears deafened by the buzz of shock.

For a second I was angry: betrayed & riled. And then.....simply - the steel doors came down; my heart protected. Once bitten? Never shy. The final realisation that the only best friend is yourself - that women are usually just too bloody hard work with a self serving agenda that will show itself eventually. Put your trust & true self in another & watch them break it, distort it, make it answerable to them.
Then came the real surprise. The void became filled with relief: the clean, clear air filling it up. My eggshell days are finally over. My wings are drying.

I am finally finding the freedom to be me in all my multicoloured facets & glorious faults. I can finally welcome myself with open arms - I am home.

Monday 8 November 2010

Sweet child of mine.


I am a Princess. This is a fact. I am also The Best Mummy In The Universe. He lays these accolades at my feet daily, his voluntary offerings.


I can be wild and impulsive but he is my constant; my sun around which I orbit, getting my warmth from his love and my light from his laughter.


Silken velvet curls, Wedgwood eyes, Snow White skin. He is nothing of me and yet my all.


I was told that I am broken - bearing another is not advisable for me. Is this why he is so cherished? No. It is because he is my ultimate; because his energy fills the room; he is white light and resonates as purely as a tuning fork.


My son.
I love you.