Solace

My one smile.

Brunches may get cancelled; bedtimes get a lot later than expected.

But a lot purer & simpler than anything I've known in a long time.

What then?

My head is spinning. So many directions. So may choices. New chapters or the latest tragedy?

I went to bed last night - it snowed in the small hours. I still have no idea if it was real or a dream. My mind is living out in another place. Eternally spinning......

You hear these decisions come fast & hard; or are thrust upon you or grab you in the night & chill your heart, steel your soul. In truth? I am lost. I don't want to sink back into the mud but I'm too scared? Too hesitant? to climb out. I do not know what to do and I feel cheated. I was expecting an epiphany; angels; at least some dramatic theme tune, but its just me and my thoughts spinning, spinning.

I need certainty, the "yes, you're absolutely right" but life isn't like that. To go now would feel like a thief in the night. I need the neon sign; winking "go now" at me - neon & comforting & certain.

I only have one life..... which way to go?

I learned something else tonight......you won't necessarily get it all. Oh, you'll get the plate alright, the promise. The cakes all pastel & perfect, sprinkled with the fairy dust of your future. They are delicious & oh so beautiful. Aren't they just perfect & fun? But on closer inspection they come with a price tag. I don't want to live up to an ideal where the fun becomes the proviso.

Sharpening.

They say that hard times show you who your friends really are. My friend, no longer: my back no longer guarded. The spite & anger left me reeling: my ears deafened by the buzz of shock.

For a second I was angry: betrayed & riled. And then.....simply - the steel doors came down; my heart protected. Once bitten? Never shy. The final realisation that the only best friend is yourself - that women are usually just too bloody hard work with a self serving agenda that will show itself eventually. Put your trust & true self in another & watch them break it, distort it, make it answerable to them.

Then came the real surprise. The void became filled with relief: the clean, clear air filling it up. My eggshell days are finally over. My wings are drying.

I am finally finding the freedom to be me in all my multicoloured facets & glorious faults. I can finally welcome myself with open arms - I am home.

Sweet child of mine.

I am a Princess. This is a fact. I am also The Best Mummy In The Universe. He lays these accolades at my feet daily, his voluntary offerings.

I can be wild and impulsive but he is my constant; my sun around which I orbit, getting my warmth from his love and my light from his laughter.

Silken velvet curls, Wedgwood eyes, Snow White skin. He is nothing of me and yet my all.

I was told that I am broken - bearing another is not advisable for me. Is this why he is so cherished? No. It is because he is my ultimate; because his energy fills the room; he is white light and resonates as purely as a tuning fork.

My son.

I love you.

Is That So?

So late last night the ex returns from his trip. I congratulate him on the sale of his ball & chain business ventre. It's only polite to do so isn't it?

I tell him he must be ever so relieved. He tells me that it must be a weight off my shoulders too. "The sale has knocked 10 years off you as well" he laughs (a little unkindly I felt), "you're glowing".

THAT, dear sir, is not the reason why at all.

Tempting.

It would be so very, very easy to stay in La La Land: beautiful climate, gorge views, everything is simple, laid back and FUN!!!! God I have been missing fun - the simple, straightforward excitement of it. Very, VERY refreshing.

Home involves trying to keep up a fragile facade when I really want to shriek "Go awaaaaaaaay!!!"; stuck in the lull of inertia: have been unable to train properly due to my son's school holidays and injury; the position I am training so HARD for isn't even open yet & don't know when it will be. New abode cannot begin until I know I have a secure income to keep me & Lil Man happy. Gah!! Incredibly frustrating.

For various reasons I have not mentioned Man On The Horizon: this shall probably be the only time: purely out of respect for his privacy. There is a hazy shadow out there on the horizon: sometimes I can make him out clearly but then I look and he's not there. He is very nice. He knows that I know he is very nice. I have told him so. Every now & again he makes a step forwards & then retreats back 10. I honestly don't know what he does or doesn't want: what he likes & what he's bothered by. The last time I physically saw him was June-JUNE!!!!! That says a lot doesn't it?! But you know when you can clearly see in your head that it would be an absolutely no hassle, not even remotely tied at the hip, but still reliable & fun, gentle exciting kind of coupling? (I wouldn't even presume to use the word relationship). I really do think it would be one of those: a kind of real go with the flow thing. As they should be, really.

But the thing is we have hit a huge stumbling block: meeting again has not happened for several reasons and it's been so long now that it's silly. But I just keep thinking, ffs, if we could JUST meet up then we would realise (or not) that there's a fun spark there. The whole thing is becoming a bit of an elephant in the room; but you don't want to scoop up it's shit & shoo it out because you know it could be a good 'un.

There is, of course, still the Other Man who is not as complex as I thought: he's handsome & keen (which is always a good thing), but he's not the Man On The Horizon & for some reason that's where my hopes are fixed, out there on the skyline.

So, whilst I'm here in such a vibrant but laid back place part of me is so very tempted just to stay put, to stick my head in the sand, to give up and give in and just soak up the rays instead....

A poor show.

Excuse me, is that pot free or will you actually be getting around to pooping in it any time soon? Only words from me today, I can tell you.