Solace

My one smile.

Brunches may get cancelled; bedtimes get a lot later than expected.

But a lot purer & simpler than anything I've known in a long time.

What then?

My head is spinning. So many directions. So may choices. New chapters or the latest tragedy?

I went to bed last night - it snowed in the small hours. I still have no idea if it was real or a dream. My mind is living out in another place. Eternally spinning......

You hear these decisions come fast & hard; or are thrust upon you or grab you in the night & chill your heart, steel your soul. In truth? I am lost. I don't want to sink back into the mud but I'm too scared? Too hesitant? to climb out. I do not know what to do and I feel cheated. I was expecting an epiphany; angels; at least some dramatic theme tune, but its just me and my thoughts spinning, spinning.

I need certainty, the "yes, you're absolutely right" but life isn't like that. To go now would feel like a thief in the night. I need the neon sign; winking "go now" at me - neon & comforting & certain.

I only have one life..... which way to go?

I learned something else tonight......you won't necessarily get it all. Oh, you'll get the plate alright, the promise. The cakes all pastel & perfect, sprinkled with the fairy dust of your future. They are delicious & oh so beautiful. Aren't they just perfect & fun? But on closer inspection they come with a price tag. I don't want to live up to an ideal where the fun becomes the proviso.

Sharpening.

They say that hard times show you who your friends really are. My friend, no longer: my back no longer guarded. The spite & anger left me reeling: my ears deafened by the buzz of shock.

For a second I was angry: betrayed & riled. And then.....simply - the steel doors came down; my heart protected. Once bitten? Never shy. The final realisation that the only best friend is yourself - that women are usually just too bloody hard work with a self serving agenda that will show itself eventually. Put your trust & true self in another & watch them break it, distort it, make it answerable to them.

Then came the real surprise. The void became filled with relief: the clean, clear air filling it up. My eggshell days are finally over. My wings are drying.

I am finally finding the freedom to be me in all my multicoloured facets & glorious faults. I can finally welcome myself with open arms - I am home.

Sweet child of mine.

I am a Princess. This is a fact. I am also The Best Mummy In The Universe. He lays these accolades at my feet daily, his voluntary offerings.

I can be wild and impulsive but he is my constant; my sun around which I orbit, getting my warmth from his love and my light from his laughter.

Silken velvet curls, Wedgwood eyes, Snow White skin. He is nothing of me and yet my all.

I was told that I am broken - bearing another is not advisable for me. Is this why he is so cherished? No. It is because he is my ultimate; because his energy fills the room; he is white light and resonates as purely as a tuning fork.

My son.

I love you.

Is That So?

So late last night the ex returns from his trip. I congratulate him on the sale of his ball & chain business ventre. It's only polite to do so isn't it?

I tell him he must be ever so relieved. He tells me that it must be a weight off my shoulders too. "The sale has knocked 10 years off you as well" he laughs (a little unkindly I felt), "you're glowing".

THAT, dear sir, is not the reason why at all.

Tempting.

It would be so very, very easy to stay in La La Land: beautiful climate, gorge views, everything is simple, laid back and FUN!!!! God I have been missing fun - the simple, straightforward excitement of it. Very, VERY refreshing.

Home involves trying to keep up a fragile facade when I really want to shriek "Go awaaaaaaaay!!!"; stuck in the lull of inertia: have been unable to train properly due to my son's school holidays and injury; the position I am training so HARD for isn't even open yet & don't know when it will be. New abode cannot begin until I know I have a secure income to keep me & Lil Man happy. Gah!! Incredibly frustrating.

For various reasons I have not mentioned Man On The Horizon: this shall probably be the only time: purely out of respect for his privacy. There is a hazy shadow out there on the horizon: sometimes I can make him out clearly but then I look and he's not there. He is very nice. He knows that I know he is very nice. I have told him so. Every now & again he makes a step forwards & then retreats back 10. I honestly don't know what he does or doesn't want: what he likes & what he's bothered by. The last time I physically saw him was June-JUNE!!!!! That says a lot doesn't it?! But you know when you can clearly see in your head that it would be an absolutely no hassle, not even remotely tied at the hip, but still reliable & fun, gentle exciting kind of coupling? (I wouldn't even presume to use the word relationship). I really do think it would be one of those: a kind of real go with the flow thing. As they should be, really.

But the thing is we have hit a huge stumbling block: meeting again has not happened for several reasons and it's been so long now that it's silly. But I just keep thinking, ffs, if we could JUST meet up then we would realise (or not) that there's a fun spark there. The whole thing is becoming a bit of an elephant in the room; but you don't want to scoop up it's shit & shoo it out because you know it could be a good 'un.

There is, of course, still the Other Man who is not as complex as I thought: he's handsome & keen (which is always a good thing), but he's not the Man On The Horizon & for some reason that's where my hopes are fixed, out there on the skyline.

So, whilst I'm here in such a vibrant but laid back place part of me is so very tempted just to stay put, to stick my head in the sand, to give up and give in and just soak up the rays instead....

A poor show.

Excuse me, is that pot free or will you actually be getting around to pooping in it any time soon? Only words from me today, I can tell you.

A Gentle Awakening.....

Ladies & Gentlemen, fizzy loveliness & cakes are to your right, please do go help yourselves whilst I get a little serious for a moment......

I was looking at our wedding & new baby photos last night: I just came across a big pile of them so had a flick through.......I had a bit of an epiphany.

Looking at the photos, there are just young, happy faces & lots of smiles: full of hope & love & fun and I realised that the Ex and I DID love each other: we were in love and we had a fine old time of it. The faces staring back at me clearly show me they were happy & full of the future.

For some reason, knowing that it had been beautiful & wonderful once has somehow made the ending of it, I don't know, kind of OK & natural, pure & proper. It was beautiful once and now it's broken but that's OK. I really do believe things have a finite time to them.

I was also trying to really work out when things started to break apart; instead of trying to peer into a fog of misguided misery. I think it really began to get rocky in '07 when I had lifesaving surgery: the cracks began to show: I wasn't important enough. They really started to bug me when, on arriving back in England half cut open & ever so fragile, my Beau told me to go walk round The Green by myself, he was far too busy, but not to worry he could see me out of the window and would come get me if I collapsed. I clearly remember crossing a road and a car being some 20 feet away and thinking 'I cannot make it to the other side of the road in time'. I just did not figure. Not yet invisible but a pest all the same.

Looking at more photos I can pretty safely say by Easter 09 the rot was well & truly set in &, come June of this year, the final coup was but a dull blow: I was beyond surprised & too tired to care anymore.

But I know now that I have tried - for many, many years I have tried and it simply is not what I want to do anymore. I cannot live my life whilst trying to become a non entity (in my view) for someone else.

Finally I can release the butterfly of all the happy memories, shimmering in dazzling hues. Watch it catch the light of the sun & stay there for a while before it lifts away forever. My relationship. Over.

But my heart truly is OK - I can now honour our good times but know it is absolutely OK for me to have got off that road now. It's OK to say 'no more'. It's OK to want to find my own way. And I really do: OK, with some trepidation but mainly with a heart full of excitement. The future plans & moves are made, just the wait now to launch.

Am I coming out of my own cocoon? Perhaps not fully yet: there's been a torrent of water under the bridge keeping my new wings damp & heavy but all I have to do is to wait for the next ray of sun..........

I hate Mondays.

Actually, I'm not best pleased at most mornings, but I hate Mondays especially. There's another one coming up. But happy, happy, joy, joy it is prefixed by two fantastic words: Bank and Holiday.

Somebody dig out the ice bucket.........

Nom!

At which point in your adult life are you meant to grow up properly? I mean, I know it's not at all sophisticated to blow champagne out of your nose after a giggling fit (God forbid); & no one's going to love you for coming out of the loo with your dress hitched in your knickers (a friend of mine really did do that): those are silly, silly things. But does there come a point where someone is going to bollock you for still wolfing down Nutella on toast or for curling up in bed with a hot water bottle just coz you fancy it? When is it no longer sophisticated to deposit half a bottle of bubble bath in your bath just to get that kick of watching the bubbles go WILD? Can you air guitar when no one's looking? What about pulling stupid faces at the back of someones cross, retreating head? Can you still roll your eyes at your mum when she lectures you?

All I'm wondering is at what point do the Adult Police threaten to come and take you away?

Do You Want Ice In That?

There are so many things wrong with this tale but it has to be shared: it is a perfect, blindingly brilliant observation of just how fecking stupid & brain dead people can be.

Whilst I was out on the weekend (yes, doing that smiling thing), The Ex (as he shall henceforth be called) took my SIX year old son out on a pub crawl. I did not make that up. He did. See? Wrong on so many levels already.

Well, supposedly they had a fine old time - visiting the least skanky of Newcastle's beer gardens (consult The Burglar's Dog if you are in any way unsure of a particular beer garden's virtue: it'll save a lot of shit on your shoe, mark my words) & chatting about, oh I don't know, the virtue of one Monster Truck over another.

Their final port of call (wrong, wrong wrong!!!!) was a certain pub that happens to have a big arch you can sit under. Being the responsible adult that he is, The Ex decided that he couldn't leave small son alone in the beer garden, what with it being a Saturday night and time ticking away towards Pumpkin Hour. So, he took son into the bar. Son climbed up straight away onto a bar stool and played with his Monster Trucks on the bar (the age giveaway is there somewhere, I feel). Dopey, dopey, DIPSTICK of a barmaid came and asked The Ex what his drinking pleasure would be, to which he replied "a pint of Grolsch". Nothing to get excited about there, you're thinking?:

SHE BROUGHT TWO PINTS AND SET THEM DOWN.

To add screaming insult to injury she lent down to my son and said, I KID YOU NOT "Would you like a straw with that?".

Words. Just. Fail. Me.

No, really, it is.

I know, I know - it really is astounding. Confusing. Completely wtf?? But your eyes are not deceiving you; that really is me. Look. Out! SMILING.

Hiatuses have a point: they are not a thing of bone idle laziness & inertia. They are transformative; kind of hitting that crossroad & saying "feck it, I'm going this way". It's about realising when Enough is, frankly, ENOUGH. It's when life doesn't have to be such a big deal; when what another person thinks or doesn't think doesn't actually matter that much anymore. When someone else's actions shriek a hell of a lot more about them than they ever did you.

It's about realising that people DO change; that you can, actually grow tired of being the scapegoat. It's about refusing to be put in that box anymore.

It's about making the leap, standing up and saying "enough, enough, enough".

And it does hurt: it turns a bikini wax into a walk in the park. But ladies, and this is truly the BEST bit, it gets better. Infact it gets fecking brilliant. Best bit? Looking yourself in the mirror and thinking "woohoo, it all starts here".

So, the hiatus is done - okay there's still lots of i's to be dotted et cetera (& that's a brave move in itself) but I am laughing now and you can bet your bottom dollar there's plenty more catch up to come! So, girls, make mine a large one & yes, Friday is fecking excellent!